Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Brooding again for nothing

I'm all alone in my room again. My yaya Ate Edel or my younger sister Cheng will go to my room to either get some stuff or my sis will check her e-mails and her Friendster account. But today, it was way different. I was all alone in my room. Nothing to do, but just to brood myself. I need a savior! Can somebody call me quick! Well what can I do now. I've been doing nothing the past 2 hours already. I decided to edit my drafts or delete some of them. Publish my drafts and well, have a little chat over mIRC. It was a good thing the chat room I used to go 3-4 years back was open again. I saw some old friends and of course meeting new one. Good thing these guys make me laugh for a while. Especially with what I'm going through lately. Geez! Can somebody stop this predicament before I kill myself?!? (",) Oh well, shit happens. Wait, if shit happens, does it mean we let these things happen to us? Weird. On to chatting. Got some stupid girl talking about anything but definitely she was talking stupid things in the chat room. My friend told me that one of the fellow chat mates are really pissed at her. She was beautiful, thanks to Friendster, we saw her pic. I just told my friend "Sayang pare. Maganda siya, kaso ang tanga naman!" Well, such a waste! Marvin called today. Asking me if I can drop by his place and just kill them with him. Nice! Finally my savior! On my way to Marvin! Better get ready. I bet he knew what's going on to me. He just lives a block away from my so called significant other. Well, he's been my closest buddy ever since. So I guess I have to let him know what's going on to me now. One time big time outburst of emotions. This time no boundaries, no holds barred outburst. I'll let this thing go out right now. I don't care if this will mean I'll be in deep shit. I just have to let this out to some one who can comprehend the hell I'm talking about. Details later guys!

And I smell tears and Red Horse right now.

Starbucks Session series 8

Final installment to the Starbucks Session. I was really amazed with myself. 8 poems in just one sitting and over a tall caffe latte! Oh well, more Starbucks Sessions soon! Wait for the part II!

Last Breath

Nothing in the world can't bring you back
It's your last breath
This will be my last breath

Sadness fills the life of the powerless
Such madness tends me to be lifeless
Now it ends in a high note
As I breathe my last breath

Show me your true colors
Hide me in your beauty filled with deceit
Show me the road to sanity
As I exhale my last breath

Starbucks Session series 7

One of my abstract poems (Well, the way I call it). Part 7 of 8.

Broken Glass

I picked up the pieces
See the cut
Feel the pain
Wait and bleed
Scarred for an eternity
No sign of relief
Deep wounds of torment
Broken limbs of sorrow
So truamatic
Put me in a such cosmic disbelief
Maybe karmic

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Baby Boy version 1.1

I'm back again to my personal blog! I'm just done updating my Art Blog. Now it's time to go back to my personal blog to update, and also to record what's been going on to my so called "great" life. I've publish my long list of May posts. (More to come) And I have no idea if I'm gonna update and publish my June and July (The happiest and saddest month in my life so far) posts since I have to do edit the whole drafts due to some unavoidable circumstances. Yes, a lot of things had happened. Good times, the bad, and the worst. Am I to blame? Partly yes, but still, this is me. And part of me is to do some journal and blogging. My journal is nothing compared to The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter series, since mine is already in book 8 and book 9 is on the process. I even put my poems to a separate journal so it'll be organized. I feel so down right now, so fucked up. But as I said to one of my poems, I have to embrace the reality of life as a bittersweet. I need to stand up again. Never show pain, as I must show it only to myself. I don't need sympathy, I'm not even selling my drama. But some people I just felt like I stepped into them and made them so miserable that they are like shattered glass that can't be brought back to pieces. Even if they will be put back together, scars will be there. Wounds may be healed but the scars of torment will stay in me and to them forever. I do apologize for whatsoever reasons had happened. But then no compromise has been made. And such on the spot decisions are blinded with anger. So I can't argue with that. I never felt freedom, though yes, I am free now. But not the absolute freedom that I felt before. Things are need to be cleared and demand an explanation. But then again, who Am I to demand? My rights, no my privilege are already taken away. Now all I have to do is to stand up again and face the fact that for now, I'm all alone again. No one to share the moments, no one to share the joy, the suffering, the hurt, the excitement, and the achievements that I'm achieving right now with my photos and poems. Am I in vain? No, absolutely not. But this will be my last post where all the pains, frustrations, questions, and sufferings inside me will be shown. I have to let go of my old self where I gave up everything and end up with nothing. Where I keep on thinking but no one ever thinks of me. I don't care if people will judge me for who I am, and for what I've done. I'm willing to face the consequences of my decisions. But listen to me: "This is me and no one will ever change that! Am I ranting? Yes I am.And I do appreciate the people who had and who keeps on withstanding my rants and raves. I now understand that friends will be there for you, whoever you are, as long as they understand and know who you really are. Did I made a wrong move in my life? No, since I let these things happen. But then, my impulsiveness takes into action 80% of the time, so sometimes I act and I think after the action is done. So people hear me: This is me, whatever I do and write on this blog, I write in in my journal in a more excruciating detail. And with this kind of persona in me, no one can change that. Live with it or just understand, no respect me on my blogging and journal making side of me. As of now, I'll be doing a total make over of my personal blog. Some drafts need to be edited. Some details need to be removed. For the sake of moving on and to avoid some violent situations in the not so near future. I do welcome again myself to the realm of blogging. Give me the respect that what you think is due to me. But I beg you not to abuse the freedom I gave. Since this blog itself was the witness to my 2 months of blissful torments and sufferings. The same blog that made me free but left me shattered and unwilling to be put back again. I'll be leaving the shattered me on the ground. Wait for the gust of wind to blow it away. As I'll be having a new identity, no a new disposition in life. A more carefree, and transparent me. I'll keep on ranting till my heart's desire. But I will never step over other people's life, just to put it in misery. To everyone, my deepest apology for not to updating my blog. Certain things had happened that it left me immobile for a while and focused instead on my art blog just to let out the angst. This will be all for now. See you tomorrow, and enjoy the rest of your week. For me, back to the drawing board, and plan to redo myself.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Starbucks Session series 6

Buried With Lies

My senses fail
As I try to differentiate fact from fiction
Still I can't negate
Such disturbance inside of me
As I slowly die
Buried with lies

Every word you say
I try to understand beyond my wisdom
But you've failed to cover your tracks
Now I face such facts that scours my soul
Truth really hurts
And I'm buried with lies

You have deceived me with your silver tongue
I despise you for holding me back
I bestowed my trust in you
Yet you buried me with lies

No room to breathe
Darkness fills my coffin
Death puts me in an eternal slumber
As I rot in bitterness and disbelief
I finally rest in peace
Buried with lies

Starbucks Session series 5

Tormented Soul

Stranded somewhere
I'm nowhere to be found
Uncertain on how I feel

Lost in a portrait
As I cling to every memories
Of you filled with binding agony
Sleep bring relief
With every hope of a new day
But I wake in a misery of being without you

I give in
Another moment
Is another eternity of sorrow

In sorrow
I speak your name
And my voice mirrors
My tormented soul

Seek me for comfort
Call me for solace
I'll be waiting for the end of my broken heart

But my torment still clings to me
As it defies my soul to the abyss
Shattered and torn into pieces
I can't let go of the misery life has brought me
Tormented soul is all left in me