Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Taragis! Ang ATM ko!!!

Listening to: Blondie - Heart of Glass (2006 Greatest Hits: Sound & Vision)
Right now, I feel: Pissed

Warning nang po sa mga bata... Puta! Ang ATM ko!!!!! Sinubukan kong kunin ang aking ATM sa bangko kung saan dun ko makukuha ang aking sweldo kada ika 15 and katapusan ng buwan. Binigay ko ang aking school ID para maibigay sa akin ang ATM ko. Sa kasamaang palad wala pa pala ito sa kanila. Sinubukan kong tawagan ang aking opisina para sa aking sitwasyon ngunit walang sumasagot! Putang ina naman talaga o! Ano kaya ang problema? Binalik ko naman ang application form na nanggaling sa bangko pero wala pa rin. Ang tagal naman maayos yan. Kinakabahan ako pag ganito. Baka mamaya wala akong swelduhin. Baon na ko sa utang! Pwede ba! Ang ATM ko punyeta!

Monday, June 12, 2006

Mantika matulog!

Listening to: Kanye West - We Don't Care (2004 College Dropout)
Right now, I feel: Wide Awake!

Anak ng tokwa!!! Grabe parang kailan lang ako nakipag-inuman kay Luis. Hahahaha! Balik muna tayo sa mga nangyari. Umuwi ako ika lima ng hapon ang natulog, nagising ng ala onse ng gabi. Nag blog at dama pa din ang alkohol sa katawan. Natulog ulit pagkatapos bandang mga alas-dos ng madaling araw. Namulat ang aking mga mata sa liwanag ng araw. Mga bandang ika-walo ng umaga. Nag internet agad at nakaupo lang sa harap ng mahiwagan makina na nagpapatakbo ng ibat-ibang bagay para sa akin. Nag ayos ng aking MySpace account. Sinasabi ko sayo, mas maganda ang MySpace ngayon kumpara sa Friendster. Kahit papano kung gusto ko makahanap ng mga independent artist mula sa ibang bansa, makikita ko sila dito. At sila pa ang magpapadala ng request para maging friend ka nila sa MySpace nila. Astig diba? Balik sa kwento, gising ako buong umaga hanggang hapon. Naisipan kong umidlip ng ilang oras para maka kain ng hapunan. Naisip ko na lang na sa sobrang bilis ng panahon di ko napansin na wala pa rin akong nagagawa at ala singko na pala ng hapon. Ayun, umidlip at naalimpungatan ako dahil sa liwanag na sumisilaw na naman sa aking mga mata. Isa pala siyang ilaw na naka sindi sa labas ng aking bintana. Naisip ko na bakit ang aga naka bukas ang ilaw, dapat ay mga bandang alas diyes o alas onse pa ang bukas nito. Sa loob ng aking isipan, mga ika walo or ika siyam lang ng gabi nun. Yun pala alas tres na ng madaling araw! Anak ng pulis na apat ang asawa naman oh! Ang haba na ng natulog ko. Parang nagpahinga lang ako sa pagtulog noon. Malamang gising na naman ako hanggang umaga nito. Good luck sa akin mga kaibigan. Haaay! Makapag porn na nga lang muna. Paalam mga kaibigan!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Fuck it! It's Saturday!

Listening to: Ice Cube - Why We Thug (2006 Laugh Now, Cry Later)
Right now, I feel:Sleepy

I felt so wasted! I came home around 5 pm after having a 10 pm - 7 am training. My friend Luis was working in a call center in ABS-CBN compound and invited me to have a couple of drinks. I agreed to join and I arrived there meeting his friends and co-workers. It was a hot Saturday morning. We just started to cope with what we have missed with each other. It was good to see Luis, since the last time we saw each other was around April. He still misses his bestfriend Elad who passed away. I can't blame him. I feel sad for him too, as if I can feel his pain and emptiness. And besides, Elad was his bestfriend for a decade. It was really a big lost for him. I just try to cheer him up, saying it's just the alcohol making him sober. What was supposed to be a couple of beer ended to be 9 rounds of beer. It was like I'm kissing the UV rays and embracing the heat while enjoying the booze. I just liked it spending time with my friend and meeting you people, and hate it since I was like brought to oblivion. I arrived my apartment around 5pm and now I just feel sleepy, I still feel the aftertaste of beer. Hangover for you non-drinkers there. I need an aspirin now. I wanna sleep again. Maybe just for a couple of more hours.

5 hours of sleep+10pm-7am shift+9 rounds of beer till 4pm=WASTED!!!

Friday, June 09, 2006

Sister sister help me quick!

Listening to: Keb Mo - I'm A Hero (2006 Suitcase)
Right now, I feel: Starving

It's Friday once again. Yay! Weekend is here once again. I'll be on my way with my guardian Ate Edel and a family friend of ours Ate Encar to meet my sister Cheng at SM Megamall. We'll be having dinner tonight since Cheng is celebrating her 20th birthday today. Yep she's 20 now.

I remember before we will have this big gap. Well, not as it's like a big problem between the two of us. It's just that we have a lot of differences up to now. The only thing that differes now is at least we try to set aside those differences to work things out. I remember we would us to fight with small things. Getting pissed at her just for answering back at me in a very snobbish way. Yes, she is snobbish. Too snobbish it can kill you right away, it'll just shut the hell up of you. But time goes by, and she matures now into a lady. Someone who have a broader perspective as to what love really means. We find ways to help each other, though most of the time she is the one who will be helping me out. She will be there for me. Financial, emotional, or just kicking the hell out of our day. Bum around the mall, camwhoring, and just try to cope with what's happening with each other. We may not talk for a week or so due to time constraints. But give us a day to bond and you will just realize that it seems like we haven't seen each other for a year.

I find myself in awe as to how she has changed. She may still be snobbish, but still I love her deeply. I may not show it to her but, I know deep inside of her, I'm sending my message on how much I thank God for having her around. My confidant, my friend, my reality check, bum squad partner.

Cheng, happy birthday and wishing you all the best! Here's something for ya. I made it for her as a present and I put this one in her Friendster account. I took this pic at Pansol, Laguna where we spent a day to celebrate my aunt's birthday, tried to edit it through Adobe Photoshop CS2 by combining some filters like graphic pen, and color pencil.

Here you go folks. One of my work that I'm very proud to share. Love ya sis!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Blank all of a sudden

Listening to: Flyleaf - I'm So Sick (2005 Flyleaf)
Right now, I feel: Stupid

Just got home from work. For the first time during my training here at my new work, I just felt stupid. It seems like everything I learned during my 2 weeks of training was gone. I just felt blank all of a sudden. I started to be in a realm full of questions and confusion engulfs me like a flame. All the confidence I had before, that this work will be easier than what I had before, and even the idea that I'm getting the client specifics and how things works in the operations was all suddenly gone like I was robbed by The Flash. We went into braging in with some senior agents on the floor. With this one specific person I'm barging in, she was so agressive, so into multi-tasking that she was like a multi core processor in a mainframe where she almost does like a million task in a minute. Damn she was fast. Faster than you can say "Doh!" She was also asking me questions where, I felt blank all of a sudden. It seems like the whole place around began to be covered in darkness that I can't see a damn thing. I can't breathe during that time. I started to ask myself if I can handle the job, and if I can survive the calls. Oh God help me!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Weekend stupidity... Doh!

Listening to: The Wreckers - Lay Me Down (2006 Stand Still, Look Pretty)
Right now, I feel: Stupid and Drunk

I feel like I put myself into trouble again. Yes, and this time it seems like I committed the same mistake I've done 5 years ago. The same mistake that I vowed not to do again. But it seems like luck and karma is trying to mash up my life and mind that night. Last weekend, thanks to the effect of alcohol running through my viens and clouding up my thoughts. I had someone in a compromise where I said "yes we can be together, but we have to shut up about it." No, it's not what most people will think, that I'm either playing around or desperation is kicking in me. I'm happy with who I am now, and what I'm into. A relationship is definitely not an answer to some lonliness or coldness that I feel. But then this lady, all of a sudden appear from a thick mist, confronting me of how she feels about me and the hard part: she is so damn into it. All right, I may be some Mr. Airhead now in here, but yes I do feel flattered since somehow, someone sees me beneath this fats and a fucking big built. I tried to talk to her about it, finding my way out of this little problem that she put me into. But then, after 2 Mucho (1 liter) of Red Horse and 2 San Mig Lights, I got convinced for a while that I need a hug, I need someone who reciprocates my lonliness. That I need someone to cuddle and show affection with, and that girl was the one who responded to my call. Bad thing is that she was the first one who initiated it. I discreetly told her before I got into some alcohol induced lonliness that I'm ok, I don't need anyone right now. Since I got a lot of things I need to fix first and responsibilities to handle. She said she understands, and she dropped another line that somehow, made me feel guilty that it almost killed me. "I will wait for it no matter how long it'll take." Boom! I just felt guilty that time. I tried to comfort her, telling her it's ok since we can still be friends. I admit that there's nothing for me to find her attractive or somehow interesting. In one way or another I was annoyed by her immaturity, by her assumption filled reasonings. But the hugs start to tighten, the feelings just began to elavate me in a way Michael Jordan defies gravity. I did the forbidden kiss. A symbol that I reciprocate how she feels, it's just that I'm not ready yet. As soon as I arrived home and got my mind all cleared up the next day, I felt so stupid I wanna get my dad's gun and just blow my brain into smithereens. I just hate it, it seems like I can't get out of this situation right away. Without either being rude to her or hostile, or maybe just be silent about it and just let her take a hint that I'm not ready or I don't want to be part of this. I can't break her now, she seems so fragile that when broken, torment will definitely overwhelm her whole senses and can be futile to her sanity. I just don't know what to do so far. All I care now is to evade this. I know that I should talk to her about this. It is my mistake that I fully admit and I feel guilty about. At least, I feel sorry on my actions. Though I still blame some of them to the alcohol. Let me find the guts to fill up myself to find a way to tell her, "it's over...."

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Enemies of June

Listening to: Fort Minor - Where'd You Go (2005 The Rising Tide)
Right now, I feel: Nostalgic, Depressed.

I don't know where to start. As everyone had been through this kind of situation. Where one has to be nostalgic for a while to find answers as to why things are happening the way they are. The way we won't be able to understand and as to why things won't happen the way we want it to be. It is not destiny or fate that shapes us who we will be or where we want to be. But it is ourselves. Yes, us; We do the dirty works for ourselves as where we wanna be, who we wanna be and how we will be in the future. But as the saying goes, change is so fucking inevitable. There are certain situations where we can't hold of our own fate, our own destiny as to where it will lead us. I've been through this before. Luckily, I have escaped each and everyone of them. I guess it is just like a busted gramophone, where things just keep on repeating all by itself. I experienced things that gives me a splitting headache time and time again. But this time, I thought it will be the same things that I can go by. But I was wrong, so dead wrong that I thought of, as usual, giving up and just let myself be damned with how life can be so vomitting. Situations I went through before but somehow had been different in a way that it was harder than before. Just like the Super Mario brothers video game where you get to go to every enemies and different worlds over and over again but a lot more difficult as you move on. A lot of events took place, good and bad. The worst ones and the best. But so far, I seem to be lost. I was in the same place where I started. I might not be even making sense here right now. But the thoughts are passing by my mind faster than the speed of light. Almost beating Einstein's theory of relativity. Like I have to let these things out and somehow, at least find a way to shut my brain up. At least stop my nuerons from working. I'm currently experiencing hardships right now. Like I wanna stop EVERYTHING I do for a while and focus on things that need to be solved. I'm currently experiencing confusion, on as to how should I face my fears and how should I address them. I even have fears on how I will face my friends, my colleagues, or even how can I support my family at the times they need me most; When after all, I'm at my deepest shit. I hope I can let this one pass. Just be back to normal. I don't know how long I can go being like this. I just hope this will end and I can at least smile again. Hopefully.....