Weekend stupidity... Doh!

Listening to: The Wreckers - Lay Me Down (2006 Stand Still, Look Pretty)
Right now, I feel: Stupid and Drunk

I feel like I put myself into trouble again. Yes, and this time it seems like I committed the same mistake I've done 5 years ago. The same mistake that I vowed not to do again. But it seems like luck and karma is trying to mash up my life and mind that night. Last weekend, thanks to the effect of alcohol running through my viens and clouding up my thoughts. I had someone in a compromise where I said "yes we can be together, but we have to shut up about it." No, it's not what most people will think, that I'm either playing around or desperation is kicking in me. I'm happy with who I am now, and what I'm into. A relationship is definitely not an answer to some lonliness or coldness that I feel. But then this lady, all of a sudden appear from a thick mist, confronting me of how she feels about me and the hard part: she is so damn into it. All right, I may be some Mr. Airhead now in here, but yes I do feel flattered since somehow, someone sees me beneath this fats and a fucking big built. I tried to talk to her about it, finding my way out of this little problem that she put me into. But then, after 2 Mucho (1 liter) of Red Horse and 2 San Mig Lights, I got convinced for a while that I need a hug, I need someone who reciprocates my lonliness. That I need someone to cuddle and show affection with, and that girl was the one who responded to my call. Bad thing is that she was the first one who initiated it. I discreetly told her before I got into some alcohol induced lonliness that I'm ok, I don't need anyone right now. Since I got a lot of things I need to fix first and responsibilities to handle. She said she understands, and she dropped another line that somehow, made me feel guilty that it almost killed me. "I will wait for it no matter how long it'll take." Boom! I just felt guilty that time. I tried to comfort her, telling her it's ok since we can still be friends. I admit that there's nothing for me to find her attractive or somehow interesting. In one way or another I was annoyed by her immaturity, by her assumption filled reasonings. But the hugs start to tighten, the feelings just began to elavate me in a way Michael Jordan defies gravity. I did the forbidden kiss. A symbol that I reciprocate how she feels, it's just that I'm not ready yet. As soon as I arrived home and got my mind all cleared up the next day, I felt so stupid I wanna get my dad's gun and just blow my brain into smithereens. I just hate it, it seems like I can't get out of this situation right away. Without either being rude to her or hostile, or maybe just be silent about it and just let her take a hint that I'm not ready or I don't want to be part of this. I can't break her now, she seems so fragile that when broken, torment will definitely overwhelm her whole senses and can be futile to her sanity. I just don't know what to do so far. All I care now is to evade this. I know that I should talk to her about this. It is my mistake that I fully admit and I feel guilty about. At least, I feel sorry on my actions. Though I still blame some of them to the alcohol. Let me find the guts to fill up myself to find a way to tell her, "it's over...."