Frustations leads to depression

It's another ordinary day for me. After the Santa Monica beach adventures, here I am in front of the computer, just waiting for some ideas to come out of my mind and post it here. As I try to go back to the time when I was working, and until now my back still gives me a hell of pain. It just makes me think what will I have when if I'm still working in that filthy warehouse in Downtown LA. Maybe accessories for my new digital camera and my MP3 player, books that I've been drooling to read, some spawn action figures (Todd McFarlane really amazes me with his work), and most of all the bilins my friends told me. I haven't bought any of them. Well I already did before but I need to return them for refund since my mom needs the money badly (for some reasons I don't wanna go deep into). It just frustrates me now that I can't have the money I need to buy them all again. Heck! I even canceled the order for my Motorola RAZR V3 which I've been really drooling for since last year. It all boils down now to frustration. As I try to think about this things, I just can't help and ask myself "Am I such a failure?" Yeah, well I may sound way too off myself, but I just can't help to think and ask myself that question. In a certain way it made me so frustrated now. I feel so helpless and low. I just wish that I didn't went here in the first place. Failing myself is OK, but failing other people especially my friends is another. Oh! I just wish I can just go on and find a resolution to this. If there's someone or something to blame here, it'll be the fuckin life here. Such reality no other will see. As the saying goes, "You have to see it to believe it." i just hate how life is so different here. Making sacrifices for the sake of others. In my case, sacrificing my dreams for the sake of me. No more DVDs, no more gaming PC with an ATI Radeon X850 Platinun Edition, no more PS2, Xbox, Game Cube, and the Nintendo DS. And what about the PSP? Argh! I just hate it. Thinking about this makes me feel like I'm not enjoying my stay here. I just wish I'm back home.

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My Tito June called and has told me that we'll take a walk around Beverly Hills and Nike Town tomorrow. Now that's some consolation for me.

Santa Monica part II

Let your wave crash down on me and take me away - Ocean Avenue (Yellowcard)

That's my theme song for that day. Why wouldn't it be? That song was about Ocean Avenue in Santa Monica. It's just besides the beach itself. As I went to Santa Monica beach again, I went there a little bit late since my primary goal is to take a photo of the sunset (which didn't happened yesterday since I ran out of battery). As I was taking more photos along the beach. I just feel a certain calmness of the breeze. People having fun, and children enjoying their school breaks and having fun at the water. Couples walking along the shore together as the sun goes down (and I truly envy them!). There's such a satisfying feeling that overwhelms my whole being. There's a certain contentment that I feel in me. It's like taking photos of this place does not only bring me joy, but also a message. That life is calm like a breeze. You just have to accept it with open arms. Every photos I took has something to say. Has a certain meaning in it. Besides the message or emotions I want to portray in every picture I took.

I'm excited to show the photos to my friends and see how far I can go with this photography thing. It really lets me explore thing that I can never imagined to do. Talk about hidden talent! It is really a great feeling for me to be in this place. As the sun is about to bid farewell that day. A certain aura was covering my whole being. So serene, so peaceful. As I look at the sunset, I can hear it's voice. Like it was talking directly to my mind. As the day ends, a new day awaits with hope. Just like the song of Semisonic (Closing Time) - "Every new beginning comes from some another beginning's end." As I was about to head home. I took a last glimpse of the beach. I will always remember this place. One of the best places I went.

Santa Monica part I

OK. I still have a lot of photos to transfer from my memory card. I had great pictures from our Disneyland trip. My new digital camera did well in taking photos. So what now? Where can I still test this thing? Well it all started to this photo.



It's a window in my parent's room. I was just fascinated with the outcome that I thought, Hey, I think I'll go to Santa Monica beach today. Just for the fun of it. So as I prepared myself on my way there, one thing is running on my mind: embrace the world of photography and learn more about it. What becomes a new discovery of a talent in me, and just an experimentation on my camera. It became a hobby, no a passion. I started to enjoy taking pictures of anything and everything. Just for the kick. As I arrived there, I didn't waste any precious time to take pictures of anything that I find interesting. From the birds that are flying, to the men who patiently waits for a fish to take a bite on their baits. It was so windy in there. A bit cold, since spring is getting near (hopefully since April is a couple of days away now) I keep on taking photos and I was just in time there since I can wait for the sunset and have a photo of it. But too bad my battery just went dead on me. I forgot to charge my battery! Doh! Oh well, I'll just drop by tomorrow and take more pictures of the place. Such a beautiful place indeed. Here's some sample of my pictures.

More of Disneyland

More pictures from our Disneyland adventures yesterday. From our fun rides to our wacky insane moments! Really the happiest place on earth.

Inside the India Jones ride


Wow! While waiting in line in Indiana Jones


The Mattarhorn


Inside the Haunted Mansion


It's a small world


Oh! They have chilii dogs!!


What?!? 3 hours wait for the Splash Mountain? Err.. Never mind then! Let's go Mattarhorn again!

To the happiest place on earth

Me, my folks, and my cousins Chuck, Kevin, and Francis went to Disneyland in Anaheim. We did enjoy the place. The place is huge! The parking lot itself is the 2nd biggest parking area in the world! (the biggest is Disneyland in Tokyo, Japan) We even had to ride a tram from the parking area to the main entrance. As we went inside I was astound by it's size. It's like a town, a very happy town. Bands marching, every Disney characters are there. Even Muriel from the Little Mermaid. We tried almost all the rides there. From the Indiana Jones to the Mattarhorn. Some rides are for kids like the It's a small world where you'll see different dolls representing different countries, or the Buzz Light year ride. But it was definitely fun. It took us the whole day to go around the whole theme park. We got tired of falling in line and waiting for our turn to ride, but it was worth the wait. We finished the night by watching a play from the movie Fantasia. It was really fantastic! I'm really amazed by the effects they'd used. We went out of the theme park at around 11 pm. All tired but I can really say it was all worth it. I have a splendid time there. It was indeed the happiest place on earth.

The digicam finally arrived!

My uncle June and I went to the local office of FedEx in San Fernando Rd. Since I called FedEx to hold the item and I'll just pick it up, just to make sure that I can have the item and that it wont be delayed again. As I went home I excitedly open the box, like a 5 year old kid about to open his Christmas present and hoping that it will be what he wished for. As I opened it I started to startle myself of it's arrival. I finally have my own digital camera!

I didn't hesitate to put it all together and start playing with it. Took some photos around the house and here's some photos I took with my new Canon PowerShot G6!

Damn FedEx!

I woke up early today. Though I only slept for 5 hours, excitement is running through my veins the very moment I wake up. I was waiting for the arrival of my digital camera. The on-line vendor notified me 3 days back that they already shipped the package through FedEx and they gave me the tracking number. Now according to FedEx it'll take 3-5 business days for the item to be delivered. But when I checked it again last night it already arrived in the FedEx local office here in LA. So I was expecting for the digicam to arrive today. I waited till it worries me when the clock ticked at 3:00 pm. The FedEx guy should've been here at that time. I know since we always get deliveries from them at 3:00 pm (We always get our on-line purchases thru FedEx). So I tracked the package on-line and it says there that nobody was home and they will reattempt tomorrow. Now wait a minute here buster! They didn't left any note at the door nor even did I heard someone knocking on the door! I called FedEx about the matter and they said they can't do anything since local offices will be close by 5 pm and that every delivery man should be at their location before that time. So what can I do? I just let it pass, though totally pissed, I just have to wait till tomorrow.

Risks of love, relationship, and commitments

"Life is like a double edge sword"


And I totally agree with this quote. I don't know where I get this quote, but it doesn't matter. Well, as boredom keeps on bombarding itself in me, I was just inside my room the whole day and suddenly this quote crossed my mind. And I asked myself, "are we really ready to take a risk and is it avoidable?" As I think about it, I just think that everywhere we go, risk are always with us. From the moment we woke up, to our way to work or school, and even in relationships. I believe there is no such thing as perfect, thus a perfect relationship never exist. Heck! Even our relationship with God is not even perfect! (should I go on with this one?) I'm in a relationship, in a long distance relationship to be exact. It is hard and it has many risk. Sometimes it makes me depress and paranoid. But as long as I trust her and I know deep in me, I'm not doing anything wrong here. Everything will just work out fine. But anything can happen, from the simplest arguments over the phone to the worst scenario where I got mugged here or maybe have another one (same on her too). Like I said; Trust, honest, and loyalty should be the major factors that will affect ones relationship to work out fine. The rest are just sub-factors to make it through or solidify it. Being here away from my girlfriend is hard, and really risky. The fact that we know that we are far from each other - meaning we don't see each other, we just hear our voices can be risky. If I abused this type of freedom I'm experiencing right now, I wouldn't plan going back to the Philippines at all. Another risk is this place. With full of gangs, racist and homeless lunatics, nobody can say what's gonna happen to me. Same to her since there's a lot of Christian-Muslim collisions are happening back there. There's a lot of risk, that's the bottom line. From the mere fact that some of it are real facts, and some maybe just paranoia - it is still a risk that everyone will face. Yeah, maybe I'm getting the Homer Simpson type where almost all the insane and out of this world ideas are crossing to my mind, it is still considered a risk for me.So are Am I really ready to take risk? The answer will be both no and yes. No, because one you thought of the risk you are facing, it'll scare the shit out of you that it'll make you go crazy and do something stupid. Stupid meaning trying to avoid it. For me, avoiding such risk will end up in another risk. A good example will be, being late. You'll tell the person you'll gonna meet sorry and make white lies, like EDSA is really congested with crazy ass drivers. As you do this again and again plus the excuses, that person will loose trust in you, and she'll get mad and the worst thing will be not seeing you again. Rather than telling the real reason you got late, tell them your sorry and it wont happen again, and take the risk of the person getting so pissed at you for just only a day. So I already did answer the 2nd question. "We can't avoid taking risk." So what should we do? We should brave enough to face that fear, and the bold enough to take that risk, we will be a better individual. I'm not saying that it'll make us a better that we will be wiser and such, but we will have a better view of life, and the understanding why such like risky situations exist. As the one of the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon says "That's a risk I'm willing to take." And every decision I made maybe won't do me any good, or maybe it'll just make me miserable or depress. But that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Emo: Genre or just another trend?

Emo. Whenever this word comes to my mind, I remember the time when people are using this word as part of their everyday lives. Using the word as an adjective describing their state or situation, or even as an expression. I was curious on what is this "Emo" thing since the first time I heard around 2003. My first idea of the word emo is that it's new type music and teenagers around 15-20 years old are its listeners. I also saw Spin magazine and also other music magazines defining emo as a new genre that was hitting the teens by storm. I wonder why teen are going crazy into it. As I find more and more people going crazy over this genre, I started to have question about emo. There are 2 questions that popped into my mind. They are the following:
1) Why is it called the music for teens?
2) Is it really a genre or just another trend?

As I tried to search on the net for answers Urban Dictionary define Emo as a Genre of softcore punk where it integrates unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year old. It is derived from the emotive style of the lyrics and music. The music has also spawned a subculture which conforms to certain conventions in dress such as tight sweatshirts, tight band T-shirts and horn-rim glasses. Adherents profess to excessively melancholy temperaments. The website MP3.com define emo as an artsy outgrowth of hardcore punk, emo became an important force in underground rock by the late '90s, appealing to modern-day punks and indie-rockers alike. Its brief history says it originated around 1984 and emerged in Washington, D.C. The term "emo" (sometimes lengthened to "emocore") was initially used to describe hardcore bands who favored expressive vocals over the typical barking rants; the first true emo band was Rites of Spring, followed by ex-Minor Threat singer Ian MacKaye's short-lived Embrace. Other artist who went to the emo bandwagon were Fugazi, At The Drive-In, Jimmy Eat World and Weezer; While some new emo artist are My Chemical Romance, Taking Back Sunday, The Used, A.F.I, Simple Plan, And even Blink 182 are staring slowly to move in to the said genre in its new album. OK, so far, it's a sub genre of Punk, the teens are its target market and people who are into this genre dress in tight shirts and some weird hair styles too. So why the music does fits the teens? First emo is said to be a type of music in where its lyrics are confessional it heavily favors expressive and low pitch vocals. For me with this definition, emo became a security blanket for them. With this type of music, they express how they really feel, confused and angst driven. It's a perfect target market since at this age, people tends to be confuse on what's going on with them and are trying to find a window where they want to let out their anger. Emo is that window for this kids and not another type of music for them. So is it really a genre or a trend then? The way I see the emo scene, it is more of a trend than a genre. Why? First all songs can be emotional and the lyrics can either be confessional or angst driven. All songs can show emotions, like Emo too. So it seems like a certain song can make you cry or sad since the lyrics will be emotional, but the musical approach will just be different with Emo's low pitch vocals and heavily detuned and low pitched guitar riffs. Second, whoever said that Staind's Outside or even A Perfect Circle's 3 Libras didn't make them emotional are stupid. These two songs are an example of two Alternative Rock or Hard Rock music that can show sadness or even frustrations. So I just realized now that emo is not a genre but just a trend where angry teenagers are embracing now as a way to show their anger and other emotions they're hiding inside. I don't hate emo or the artist under it. As a music lover, I just find it weird and pointless for other people to say that it is a genre and go crazy over it. It is way too exaggerated for them to be so "emo". And as I was writing this, I'm currently listening to Tacking Back Sunday's This Photograph Is Proof (I Know You Know). Oh Emo! =)

Buying a digicam, A dumbass salesman

Finally I got my eyes in the digital camera that I want. I now choose the Canon PowerShot G6. After more than 2 months of planning which camera I want. I finally decided to buy this one. It was a grueling process before I decided to buy this one. The digital camera I really want and was drooling for was the Canon PowerShot G5. Since I researched on it and it got great reviews and it even has accessories I can buy. When I ordered it from an on-line retailer, they called me back the next day informing me that the PowerShot G5 is phased out and they're not selling it anymore. I just asked them why is it that the said product is still being shown on their website. The sales person just told me that they haven't updated their database or inventory. Stupid! That is one of the dumbest reason I heard! Why? Coz if you are running an online business, you'll always have your site updated if not 24/7 at least every 2 days. Heck! Even hospitals updates their database so what's up with those boneheads not updating theirs? Anyways, I was about to say that I'll try check their website for another camera, the salesman offered me a different digital camera; A Canon PowerShot S70. He's telling me that it has a wider view angel and it's a 7.1 megapixels digicam (the G5 only has 5 megapixels), better than the PowerShot G5. The salesman having no idea that I already did my research looking for a digicam, was saying too much stuff that I just thought - He's trying to upsell me. Upsell meaning, an attempt to persuade a customer to purchase a more expensive item. Well though the G5 (even though it was really phased out) is much more expensive at around $560 compared to the S70 at $500, the salesman was selling me a package with memory cards, and leather bags for $580. I tried to ask him the brand name of the memory card and the size of it. He told me it's a Kingston 256MB of Compact Flash Type II memory card and a generic leather bag. And I was flabbergasted with what the dumb ass sales person said! I just declined his offer and told him again that I will just look for another digicam on the website. He is still offering me the product telling me he can even give me a discount and some freebie. This guy is so desperate to close a sale! I still declined and the guy gave up and stopped on persuading me to buy the digicam. Sounds like a sweet deal right? Nope, not at all. Why? First the leather bag. It's generic! Why would I pay more for a mere $10 or even $5 for a generic leather bag that I can find at Ross? Second, the memory card. I don't trust the brand of Kingston. Though they make good RAM modules their products especially their memory flash cards are slow and not stable, I saw a lot of not so good reviews about their products. And besides I can get 2 of those memory cards for $45. And lastly, Type II memory card? Sure most of the new digicams can accommodate both Type I and Type II flash cards (Type I is about 3.3 mm thick while Type II is 5mm) but as based on my experience on flash cards Type II is a little bit slow. So if you want to take a lot of pictures simultaneously, you need a fast read/write memory card. After that I went ahead to Canon USA's website since I'm running out of time and I really need to buy one. What I'm looking for a digicam is at least 5 megapixels or higher (since I'm planing to print photos at 8"x10" or bigger), a battery pack (I hate those rechargeable AA or AAA batteries) at least 4x optical zoom (don't go for the optical zoom, photo quality will be degraded), and a bigger LCD (2 inches at least). And I found one that will suit for me on the website. A Canon PowerShot G6. An upgrade to the G5, it has 7.1 megapixels, a rechargeable batter pack, 4x optical zoom, and 2 inch of LCD. Nice I thought to myself. Then I see the accessories I can add to this thing. I tried to look for reviews about this said model and I saw good ones. So I decided to order it right away. The cost, $498. I know it's expensive for a digicam but I want a really good one that will really suit my needs,since I'm really beginning to like photography now. I just want to have a good digicam before I decide to go with manual and digital SLR (Single Lens Reflex) Whew! Finally I got myself a digital camera! I received an e-mail from the vendor confirming that they received my order and that they are already processing it. That's good news! Can't wait to have it and experiment with it. I just wish no one will call me to upsell something again. Salesman can sometimes be a nuisance.

Bonding with dad!

So I went to bed again. Got up around 1 pm. My dad went with my mom to drop her off to work. My dad came and he invited me to go to Glendale galleria to watch a movie. We really want to watch Constantine. As we arrived there we checked if the movie we want is still available. Constantine is not there. We just choosed to watch Hostage. It was a cool movie. Nice plot and nice story. I just like it. We ate at In -N- Out burger. Talked about anything. Talked how good the movie is. I had a great time with my dad. Went home and talked to my mom. Told here where we went. My dad is getting my mom's stuff ready. He'll be spending time with my mom at work. Weekend is good but not great. But still I had fun. Saturday with my mom and Sunday with my dad. Pretty cool.

Nothing to do. Wasting time at this blog

Sunday. Time really flies away, and fast! Another Sunday morning, and got nothing to do. My grandma came around 6 am. She came from her Las Vegas adventure. She is really addicted to Casinos now. My mom left around 9 am for her job as a caregiver. Well this is my life here. Either my dad or my mom won't be here on Sundays. I just feel bad that we can't be together the whole weekend. Since we need enough money to send for my siblings and also to meet our needs. Ah life! I just hate it sometimes. I just feel bored and pissed. Hope this will change as the day goes on. Well, back to my bed. Time to dream. I'll dream about me and my folk together again. Spending everyday in a big house with my siblings. And we're together back in our homeland. Sleep, dream and let your dreams be fulfilled. The realm where only your dreams may come true. Pffft!

Live at Hollywood Boulevard

Ah! Saturday! Another weekend to remember. I got up around 1 pm, got a good sleep. My back feels a bit better now, but the pain is still there. I and mom went to Hollywood Boulevard. Nice place. Lot's of people there. As we arrived at the place, people are gathered around the road. Seems like a party, or so I thought. People are gathered there protesting the war against Iraq. I don't want to ruin my weekend. So I just looked around the place. Pretty cool. I mean for just a short part of the Hollywood Boulevard, people are coming and exploring that place. We bought some stuff in a souvenir shop. Mom bought some shirts for my siblings and she chooses a nice shirt for my friends. While me I bought an orange shirt that say "Los Angeles County Jail", some shot glasses, and key chains. We had coffee at Coffee Beans. Smoke a couple of cigarettes and ate some carrot cake. We just enjoyed the whole day together. I took some photos of the place. You can see a sample of it at my Phlog site.

Kristel: My #1 neighbor

I did nothing for today, except for sleep after taking the medicine the doctor gave me. It's 1:30 am here already. I’m just bored to death here. I slept early, coz the medicince really makes me sleepy. I woke up since I forgot something. Yeah, the blogs! I have to publish some of my drafts. So here I am again working on my blogs, and other computer stuff. My mom told me she's gonna be here tomorrow. I just don't know what time exactly she'll be here, but it doesn't matter. We'll go out for sure once she gets here. So I'm here again sitting in front of my computer. Looking for a nice digicam to buy, waiting for people to log in at their Yahoo Messengers and talk to them. Kristel signed in. Good! We just started to talk. I started to invite her to take a look at my blog in Friendster. I always like to show people my hard work. Well she liked it and she was flattered that she was included in my link of "People you should check out in my Friendster". We just talked and talked and talked the whole afternoon till it was night time already here. Well, all I can remember is that she's just 5 minutes away from my house in Quezon City. And that we used to sneak out a lot of times. I just miss this girl and talking to her was really a good thing. We started to plan our summer get away of course. Until now I'm trying to talk to my girlfriend about this plan. I really wanna spend some time with here and some close friends. I started to give Kristel some testimonials on how I appreciate her having around. Her heart just melted with what I really say about her. How I appreciate her friendship and everything bout her. We really had a superb time talking together. I guess my weekend will be all good, though my back is still a lingering pain. Talking to friends and knowing that though they're far from you, they still care about you, and it is really such a nice thing to think about. It's something that rejuvenates you. Can't wait to see everyone I love!

Such pain and agony!

Another night put to waste! It's still cold here and my back is really giving me hell of a pain! I just hate it! My back really hurts so much. What hurts more is thinking that I can't go to work and that I won't be able to save enough money! I just hate it! Nothing to do. I took my medicine already. The doctor is right, I feel dizzy and very sleepy. I'll go to sleep now. I'll dream of something good. Yeah, dream on; Another realm, where whatever you want may come true, So real yet so far to reach. zzzzzzzzzzz...........

Went to the doctor. Good news and bad news

Friday! It's weekend! Yay! Nothing exciting happened today. I just went to my mom's work so I can get my resume. As I arrived there, I saw this good sculpture or piece of art (whatever you call it) hanging on the wall. I just find it interesting to take photos of it. My mom told me that her boss paid for $15,000 for that piece of scrap metal. What the?!? just for a piece of metal that was just painted gold and yellow will be sold for 15 grand? Fucking rich people. As I was waiting for my resume, my mom asked me to go and see her boss (since her boss is a doctor) so my back can be examined and to know what specific medications I'll need to take. I saw the doctor and I started to explain things to him on how and when I felt my back aching. He then concluded that it’s my back pain is work related since I was working on a warehouse where I was lifting heavy stuff of boxes and rolls of fabrics. Good news is that I decided to resign to my job and get enough rest. Bad news: Since I won't be working I won't be having money now. Well, I was hoping I can get the job that I'll be applying to. After the check up, I and my mom went to Carl's Jr. As I remember the doctor advised me to go on a diet so I can loose weight. Since that was also another reason why I'm having back pains. Another bad news for me. After lunch with my mom, I went straight ahead to Wilshire and Wetherly to apply for a call center company there. My mom went back to her work. As I arrived there, I looked for Myles first. She's a friend of my mom. And she's working also in the building. So she recommended me to this call center company that I'm gonna apply with. As I was being interviewed the interviewer asked my why I left the social security # blank. I told them that I'm just having a vacation here, and I want to have extra money. Well since the company is an outbound call center where I need to sell mortgages they need their employees to have a social security #. I just wasted my time there! Great! I returned to Myles' office and told her I didn't get the job. She helped me again and I hope that she can recommend me to her boss; Since her boss has another business where they need a data encoder. So I have to wait till Monday for that. I hope I can work again so I can have money. I just need it. Went home. Tired and a little bit frustrated. Back to my computer again. And as I said to myself, here I go again.

My freakin back still hurts!

Nothing much happened today. Talked to some friends. Nothing big to talk about. Oh yeah, and my back is still in pain. I'm still pissed off about my back! It's still giving me unbearable pain! Too much pain! Such annoyance that I can't focus on my task that I should be doing now. And it's still cold here! Damn it! I'm pissed... I'm really pissed off at this! I still can't go to work. I'd really like to go and see a doctor. Yeah, I'm gonna see a doctor tomorrow.

Is this my calling or just a diversion of my disappointments and frustrations?

After a tiring day sitting for hours in front of the computer, and also because I was a bit pissed awhile ago, I just view my Phlog site again. And it really warms my heart as more and more people appreciate my work. Ok so I'm a bit confused now. I mean I know I'm just a beginner in this field. And at the same time. I don't know on how long I'll do this. I'm starting to think if this will end. For me I don't want this to end. I mean I don't want to loose my interest in photography. But what if one day I just lost the passion for it? Argh! Whatever man! What matters is now! I'm beginning to like it, no; I mean, I'm beginning to love it. And I'll do my best to learn more about this. I'm already planning to buy a good digital camera (since manual camera is a bit expensive) and also some lens, tripod and waterproof case. Right now I'm so into this photography. It makes me sane and it's diverts my attention to things instead of my frustrations and confusions - which gives me such a headache. So yes, I'll go on with what I'm doing. I won't stop. I better don't stop..

Too damn lazy or just sick of life's shit! Or is it because it's cold in here? Blah!

Ok. So now I'm done posting photos at my site in Phlog site. Good! It's March now. I can't believe how time flies too fast. Too damn fast that I didn't have the chance to sit down and look at life in a slower pace. Feel a bit sleepy but the flow of ideas are coming so fast in my mind. Too fast that I wanna write, post and share here. Yup that's right I have a hard copy of my journal which I started last October last year. Yeah so it's March already. A month and a half more to go and I'll be going home! But I just can't believe that it's March already and It's still freakin cold in here. Temperatures here are still around 50 Fahrenheit! (which are around 10 or 13 in Celsius) I mean it should be at least warm now in here! And in this kind of weather my pain at my back is giving me such annoyance! I mean because of this I wasn't be able to go to work! No work no pay. No pay means I won't be able to buy the stuff that I already planned to buy. I mean my Ipod and my Digital Camera I'm planning to buy will now be stuck in my shopping cart for another week! DAMN! My back really hurts. Plus it's still cold, it hurts more! I can bear the pain but if I'll go to work I know this pain will get worst. It's not that I'm getting lazy.... Or maybe I'm getting lazy since I'm so tired of working in that freakin warehouse! I mean its fun since my co-workers there are good. But man the owners are really taking advantage of me. I mean you should be at least getting paid for doing 30 minutes of overtime everyday.
Right? But not in my case! I mean I work extra 30 minutes for free. I know people will ask me "Then why do you still work there?" They won't understand how hard it is to work here. How hard it is to find a job. How hard to live here and to survive. But I just keep on hanging on coz I have goals to meet and dreams to fulfill. And I'd rather wait patiently till May since I won't stay here long. I'm really going back to Manila.

So yes I didn't go to work coz my back hurts and at the same time I'm lazy ash hell! Just a perfect combination at a perfect timing.

My Phlog

Whew! What a day! I'm almost done in uploading some photos in my Phlog site. Though I still feel pain at my back, I feel good on how people appreciate my work. I'm beginning to like this website. I mean doing blogs using pictures. A picture really says a thousand words! Well nothing much happened within the day. Still didn't go to work. My back is still in terrible pain. Still doing my blogs, updating my profiles in Friendster and My Space. It's been 2 days since I'm like this. Heck! I'm beginning to like this! lol! But I'm missing home. = (

How I wish I'm home....

Buddies for life

I didn't go to work today. My back was in hell of a pain! It's not worth it for me to work my ass for a small buck and get myself fucked up! Nothing in particular happened during the day. I have all the rest that I need. Went on to sit in front of the computer and started to do my usual task. Uploaded new pictures for a new photo album since I was into photography now. My Yahoo messenger was open and just waiting for someone to talk to. Jorj went online and we started to chat. We chat for more than 5 hours! We started to talk about anything. From her depression to my relationship. We spent countless hours on talking about anything that we can think of. Seek for advices and talk about the time that we spend together. Everything and every detail about our friendship will never fade in my mind. She's one hell of a girl! A special one. She's like a sister for me. We are open to each other. Share some common attitudes and interest. She was there for me as I'm there for her too! She made me calm and lifts my spirits up. She's just there for me. She's there if I need shoulder to cry on; Or if I seek comfort or refuge, she never hesitate to listen to my ideas and frustrations. I realize that having here around was one of the greatest gift life has given me. She's my buddy for life! I'm happy that she's around. I miss this girl! Wish to see her soon and catch up on the lost time. Gee! I had a long night with her. Something that I'll never forget and I'll cherish forever.

Today

Today was just an ordinary day, but with a little twist in it. I went to my usual work in Downtown LA. I’m back to the warehouse again. I was surprised to see a lot of boxes piled up almost everywhere I go around the warehouse. My workmate Maria told me they we're orders made for last week and that the orders that we did a couple of weeks back we're already shipped. And right now there are approximately 500 boxes ready to ship out lying around the warehouse! Everyone was surprised that I was back to work. Almost everyone thought I already resigned. I just told them I had a flu for 2 weeks which is not true. Yeah I was sick a couple of weeks ago but I was in San Diego to rest then all of a sudden I just tried to work there and check if the pay there is better. But I didn't tell them the truth. I don't want it to be a big issue. And especially, I don't want my boss to know that. We started to work that morning and for the first time working there; I've experienced to make such a long ass order! It took us the whole day to almost finish it. Almost since we ran out of boxes and we have to wait for them by tomorrow. We almost had like 300 to 500 pieces of pillows to fill up the order. Now, that's a lot! After that, it was just another tiring day, I deposited my checks, and I got my paycheck for the last 3 days I worked before I got a long vacation. I went home, my back hurts a lot! I feel a lot of emotions now, but this is not the right time to let it all out. There are too much thoughts coming to my mind.

But I'm hungry. Better eat before I sit down and face my sanctuary. Ah! It’s just another typical day in my life. Pain is covering my whole body for a measly $54 a day. It’s just another day to waste.

Weekend was full of surprises

So I and my folks spent the weekend together. We went to church took some pictures there. After that we went to Santee. It's in downtown LA. The place is like Divisoria where you can buy cheap clothes, rugs, shoes, and even bags. Almost everything's cheap and the upside there is that the quality is good. When we arrived to Santee we started to buy rugs for our bathroom in our apartment and also rugs for our rooms in Quezon City. After that my Dad was telling me on which parts of Santee to go to if I need to look for stuff that I needed. Then he followed up that I should start buying stuff for my friends as "pasalubong" for them. At least I won't be rushing things when I'll have a few days left of my stay here. We ate at Quizno's Subs. It's like Subway and food is good to! Funny but food is my weakness. So after lunch, we did our shopping. Buying stuff for my friends and family. So after that we went back home so we can drop off the things we bought. After that I started to do some blogs about my mom. After that we went to City Walk. City Walk is inside the Universal City. And inside Universal City are City Walk and Universal Studio. When we arrived there we started to take pictures and we walked around the place. It was cool. I bought some Spongebob shirt and coin purse. I told my mom that we have to go back here soon and buy more stuff since there's a lot of good stuff that I can buy just inside of the City Walk. We just walked around there and we talked about anything that crosses our minds. We talked about family matters, to life in the Philippines. We had dinner in Panda Express, still inside of City Walk. I had a good dinner. We stayed there until 8 pm. Once we reached our house, we get ready for bed while I took a shower and started to check my profiles and post some blogs. Just like this one right now. It was one cool weekend. Lot's of things happened and It's good that we're spending time with each other. I just miss them a lot and it makes me happy to see them and spend every minute of my stay here with them.

One cool mom!

I and my folks went out today. We went to Santee to check out the place. Actually we have no idea or any plans made on where to go. We only agreed that we'll go out for a weekend today. So we went first to a church in Temple. The church was called Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels. The church was big. We took some photos around the area. I brought the digicam so we can take photos and at the same time, take more pictures of different objects or subjects so I can learn more about photography or at least on how to make a picture as a work of art. So when we're on the church, I started to take pictures anywhere I think is a good spot to take a picture. I was surprise when my folks started to comment on my pictures I took. My mom said on one picture "The lighting effect on that picture is good. The light made the angel on a gloomy look, which is ironic since angels represent not gloom but salvation or at least peace". I was just surprised or find it odd that my mom was saying that. I mean my mom was not that vocal about supporting me with what I want. She would rather show it in action. For me, showing me her support is OK. But being vocal that she's supporting me on something is a big different thing. This was one of the times when I really need her and she responded to me like there was no tomorrow for the both of us. I mean, I know she supports me on a lot of stuff, but sometimes we just don't agree on things that I like. One example is my love for computers. When I told her that I'm willing to spend $2,000 for a gaming PC she just didn't agree on it. But I know though she won't say it, I can feel that her love for me was beyond words or even beyond definition of love. It was just too shallow for me to say that she just loves me. It's like her love for me is divine, rejuvenating to my soul. And she even volunteered to pose for me to be my subject. Now how cool is that! My mom is cool. Way too cool that we tolerate each others pricks. I mean I love rock, which is for some parents are noise. But she will never say it is noise. She just respects me with my passion for rock music and even some Hip-Hop. My mom's cool since we sometimes love certain songs from her time like Angela Bofil or Carole King. I love my mom. She's one big inspiration for me to be a good parent to my future child. We're so closed that she knows what's going on with me and my likes. Like my interest in shoes, clothes, music, computers and others. She even has a Yahoo Messenger that we customized with different colors and avatars too. I sometimes taught her on how to use the emoticons and the audibles. I even remember one time when she will bring me food back in my high school days, and she's wearing cargo pants. She sometimes listens to R&B or Hip-Hop. I even asked her to buy me CDs or computer magazines. So yes, we’re so close that I’m her favorite and that I’m a mama’s boy. But that favoritism doesn’t affect anyone of my siblings. We are all treated fairly and disciplined when we should be. I just have maybe more attention than anyone else. Maybe because I was once a bad guy and I still need guidance. Or I really need guidance since I’m the eldest among the 3 of us. That's how cool she really is. I love my mom! I love her so much! Her unconditional love to us is incomparable to others.

Inspiration kicked in, and comments from fellows I never expect

Well, my mom arrived around 5 pm yesterday. I'm already spending almost 5 hours in front of the computer. I'm too attached to computers. It's my sanctuary. Just sitting down in front of it and you'll get so much information, and also lots of stuff can be done. Do I have to put details into this? Anyways, as soon as I arrived here in LA I sat down and faced my companion - my computer. I opened my Yahoo Messenger to check who's online, check my e-mails, listen to my Yahoo Launch Cast Radio, did my blogs, and checked my Friendster and My Space. And also update my anti-virus software and also the firewall. Microsoft has released a new patch to fight spyware and malware codes. Anna was online, we talked about my problems. This girl is hella great! She's cool. Just there to listen though sometimes, I find myself like a nagging woman who keeps on complaining about her nail polish. Anna was just there to hear me out. Listening to all my rants and raves. We talk about my girl, how I feel for her and also about how I was so paranoid about my problem. My mom arrived afterward, then we went out for a while and talked about stuff. We ate at El Pollo Loco, 5 blocks away from our house. There we started to talk about anything that crossed my mind. We went back home and started packing stuff to ship to Manila. Dad came around 9 pm. Some of my friends we're online at around 9-10pm. Aiya was online but I was too busy to entertain her, though I wanted too. Abi was online too. Same thing, can't talk to her. She was still online when we're done packing the boxes to be sent to Manila. Abi said she broke up with her BF. I was just shocked. I don't know if I'm gonna feel sad for my friend or be a bit mad about it since they didn't talked about it first before really decided to part ways. Or maybe I don't know much about their problem though for me, I think I knew the problem all along. Kristel went online and we started to talk about our summer get away. I was in the mood about it and I was excited to go to Puerto Galera again. I just told her that I'll pay for the all the expenses while we're there. She was looking for a pool; but then the resort we're planning to go to doesn't have a pool, so I have to look for a new one and call the resorts on how to get there. Not much of a task but I have to do it fast so I can have a reservation right away. Luis was online and we cope up on things we missed, I talked to him about his problems and mine too. So we just shared advises to each other. Irony if sometimes funny; I was giving him advises bout his problems and I can't even advise myself bout my own problems, and same as him. It's funny to think about it. Well, that's what makes this world great! We suddenly jumped in to the topic of digital photography since I knew he was a graphics artist. I asked him to teach me some ways to take a good picture. He said he's not an expert but at least he knows quite well about it. And I showed him on the pictures that I took a couple of nights back. He was quite impressed with the pictures I took. And I even told him that it was in raw form and not edited. He just told me to continue this and if I really find my calling in this field, just continue to do it. I was so pleased to hear words like those. It was a big accomplishment for me to learn photography that fast, without even a thing about it. I mean I didn't research about the angle thing and on how to find a good subject. I even showed the pictures I took to my parents, and they we’re impressed on how well the pictures were taken. I was so happy about it. My friend Luis giving me compliments and inspiration and also tips about my work, and also my folks liked what I did with the pictures and also they’re beginning to understand my interest on a lot of things, especially about this photography. I went to bed all inspired to take photography to a new level. Maybe this is a way for me to find more about myself, express what I feel through the pictures I'll take. It’s a good way to divert my depression. It's all good and I'm all kicked up about it. Here's a sample of the pictures I took a couple of nights back:

too lazy.... mind not working.... blah!

I don't know what got into me right now. Its already 6 am and I'm still wide awake. I missed 2 days of posting what's going on with my work. But too lazy to put in much detail about it. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Talked to my friend April and asked her if her sis Mitch is still mad at me. I don't know when this will end. She knows how I feel right now. April understands that I'm in state of depression. Too much information coming to my mind now. Too much emotions to let out. To much attention needed. Too many task to be accomplished. Why in the world should my life be this way? God! I hate it when I feel this way! I should be doing things that I really want to be done. Like post blogs for the days that I missed, Poems that I made and have to re-edit to show more emotions. I have to let this out! I'm pissed!, I'm sad, I'm depressed, I'm aggravated, I'm nothing! I feel like I don't exist in this so called world! Like I have my own world and nobody cares if I exist or nobody gives a shit that I'm here. Waiting for someone to listen to me. Feel my emotions, and feed their minds with my thoughts. I guess I just have to let this shit out first before I can move on to new chapter of my life. Whatever! Fuck it! I just hate my situation now. Just simply fuck it!

I got screwed as I screw the wall

It's been 2 days now since I haven't post anything here. A lot of shit had happened, as in a lot of it. Sunday was all good. Got the best sleep I had for years. I got up around 1 pm and I slept around 2am. Which at that kind of sleeping habit, I should be up by 8 or 9 am. I had my lunch. My aunt said that we will visit my cousin (his son) today. It was all good. We had like the whole day there. After that we ate at Maharlika Cafe in National City. Man the food there was great! That's my weakness, food. Anyways, it was a typical Sunday. Monday came in. My first day in the job. I'm gonna be with Wes and Jeff. It'll be my first time to work in a construction. We started at 10 am, yeah sounds like late. But we stayed at the construction site till 10 pm. 12 hours of fucking work! It's hard to a point that you'll be exhausted coz you're working for 12 hours. But as long as they pay me good. I don't give a fuck about it! I just put more screws on the wall. The owner of the house, Judy was nice to us. She even prepared dinner for us before we go. We had steak and baked potato with some vegetable salad. Man it was good. But I was so dead tired! I can't believe myself I work 12 hours! Working in a construction for 12 hours is really a tough shit! But Wes and Jeff are good guys. I mean they are so nice and fun to work with, that sometimes I just forgot how pissed off I am at my new work. So I put screws on the wall. I was joking to Jeff that I love screwing the wall. Or I would shout like, "Screw you wall!" We have just a good time. Wes was nice and very patient at me. He taught me what to do and things to avoid in the construction site. He gave me advices on how to slow things down as long as you're doing it right. Jeff on the other hand, taught me on how to put dry wall on the windows and gave me the tool I needed. Belts with utility pouch on it. Pencil, tape measure, cutter, screws and a hand drill. These two guys are really cool. They know a lot from computers to construction. Well the day was not that good at all. But at least I enjoyed it. So yes, I got screwed while I screw the wall.

Bored and Blank

Another day has come to an end! It's already weekend. Finally! It's raining outside. It was raining since 5 pm yesterday. Detroit lost again, what's wrong with these guys?!? My day is all good. It's balanced with a mix of good news and boredom. Good news. My fever is gone. It was since Monday that I feel sick. Wes and Jeff are offering me a job here in San Diego, they're willing to pay me $9 or $10 an hour. The only drawback is that I need to work 10-14 hours a day. I have the option to take a day off if I'll ever feel burned out. But do the math, I'll have $90 to $140 a day and if I'll have my off for 2 or 3 days (since they work on weekends too), I can earn $360 to $980 a week! Compare to my current work where I just get $270 a week without overtime pay. So I decided to work for a week, if work is all good and I can handle it, then I'm gonna go back to LA and get my stuff and work here till April. So that I can enjoy and have time for myself by May. Did nothing in particular. I watched this video that Wes said that it can increase your dating potentials. WOW! So I watched it but nothing registered in my mind. Most probably because I was so sleepy, I don't know if I'm gonna start working tomorrow. I jump from Wes' apartment to my Aunt's apartment. I checked my groups in My Space for new post, did some surveys, and cleaning my Yahoo e-mail account with lots of unwanted e-mails. Me and my Aunt bought a 28 inches pizza from Papa John's pizza. It was an all meat flavor. I remember when I have my very first 28 inches pizza, I ate it for 2 days! It's almost 2 am here. A bit sleepy and bored. Just to wrap it up, it a normal day like everyone of us will experience. Good and shitty at the same time. I wonder what's up for tomorrow.

Pissed as he was stoned

I'm so pissed! Detroit lost the game! They just lost by 3 points! Plus the fact that they led as much as 12 points, they let their guard down. Such a waste! I saw some of my friends here! It's good to see them. We started to smoke weed. I gave them the stuff I got from a friend. I told them that it's good. Man I was using my pipe. Each smoke that passes through the pipe makes me feel so damn good! I really got stoned. Man it was so good! Now as I'm making this blog. I'm fuckin stoned! I swear! You can distinguish if someone is stoned... Well, just like me! It was a fun night, but the lost of Detroit still pisses me off.

Wait, I'm seeing different colors, I feel light. But I feel slow. My head feels heavy. Gee! I'm stoned.... G-R-E-A-T!

Now here in San Diego

I'm now here in San Diego. Finally! I don't know if my aunt have plans for tomorrow. She told me she's planning to go to Sea World tomorrow. Anyways, all I wanna do is play around with Wes' digital camera, and have more pictures posted in My Space, in my Friendster, and also in my Xanga account. And maybe meet my 2 friends here. And bottom line is. I wanna enjoy my weekend. Gotta go. It's Detriot against Phoenix. Go Detriot! Ü

On the way to San Diego

As I said this morning. I'll be going to San Diego with my aunt. It's not that I'm lazy at work but I'm so tired with that kind of work. No-brain-er job but it needs physical strength. I'm not really used on that kind of work. But I'm just doing this for the sake of buying the stuff I really want. Oh well hopefully I'll have a great time in San Diego. Hopefully I can meet my friends there.

signing off

Almost Done

Now! Finally I'm done editing my My Space account. New site, new style. Hope someone will have the patience to read them. Coz it's really long. Too stoned to finish tweaking and editing my friendster blog and photo album. I'm still sick. Still have fever. This is the longest day I'm ever absent at work. I feel so weak and sick! I decided to go with my aunt in San Diego. That way I can have a different environment and also at the same time, I can just sit and chill for a while. Maybe I can meet my friends there Mach and Shear. Hopefully. Now I'm almost done in editing my Friendster blog and photo album. A week of rest, not bad at all. That's all for now. Since there's no concrete idea that's coming out of my mind. I might as well take a rest and just lay it down while be overwhelmed of being stoned!

peace out!

Wow!

Wow! First Friendster came out of its beta stage. Then the RSS feed for the blogs. Then it introduced the chat feature, now photo album and blog! This is cool! Now I have lots of reasons to stay up late at night! hehehe. Well new blog site means more time to do blogs and shit. I got a My Space account, also one here in Friendster and 3 blogs. One from Xanga, one from My Space and one here in Friendster. Now that’s a lot of accounts to check. I also have 3 Yahoo mail and a G-Mail account and my Hotmail account’s still active. hehehehehehe... I've been tweaking this blog and photo album feature since this morning and now its already 1:45 am! hahaha I guess I got hooked into this one too much. Oh well I need to rest now. More blog post tomorrow. Sayonara fellas!